While the world is striving to attain perfection, I realize the only perfect One took my place, as a perfect sacrifice, on a cross. Through Him my weaknesses are made strong. I'm not afraid to be different, because I AM different. I'm a child of The Most High. I can be imperfect because I am loved by a Perfect God.

Praying for Direction. Lift by Prayer. Working for Peace. Labor by Power. Driven by Love. Love by Patience. Living by Faith. Live by Presence. Held by Hope. Learn by Faith.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Surpressing the Symptoms :: Eliminating the Issue :: Preventing the Problem

Well, there's been a lot going on lately. Not really in life, but definitely in my head. So, brace yourselves, because this is going to be a long post.

First of all, Sheena is 3 days overdue. Baby Evelyn needs to come out NOW! :)

The remainder of this post will mostly be of a spiritual sense, at least what's been going on in my spiritual life.

Things haven't been the greatest lately. It just seemed like everything was a constant battle. I was frustrated with so many things. There were so many doubts in my mind. I wondered if this was really important. If that really mattered.

I still went to church. I still worshipped with the music. I still prayed. My routine stayed the same. Then I was able to surpress the symptoms of my heart, daily growing colder. My routine satisfied my need to feel God's presence, But it didn't stir my spirit enough for me to change.

Last Sunday Nate preached his first sermon, and did an excellent job. He talked about the 7 spiritual sacrifices. There was an altar call, many people were touched and going to the altar to pray. I was in the sound booth running the visual media. I just kinda sat there. So many thoughts were running through my head. I was wondering what happened. When did it get this bad. At what point could I not realize I was wrong and swallow my pride and cry out for God's help. Yet here I was. Trying to fight off conviction. Finally I couldn't hold back any longer. Every part of me needed to just be broken, to feel God's incredible mercy and forgiving love. With tears streaming down my face I made my way to the altar.

To no surprise, the doubt kept going through my mind. What if God doesn't meet me there? What if this is like all the other times? What if everything I've been thinking is right? Then Pastor came over and prayed for me. He was speaking words of restoration, of faith, releasing expectancy. Then Amy came over. She prayed words of encouragement and restoration. That I wouldn't forget what God's promised me. He's given me too much to simply forget about me now. Then Larry came over. Sometimes I think Larry is always reading my mail. He prayed about a fresh anointing, renewing my spirit, a stronger burden and a greater passion. To "lehgo and let God". Then Sis. Randol came over. She quietly, and passionately prayed for me. Speaking to the deepest depths of my soul. She prayed against all the doubt that had crept into my mind. I can't really summarize what she said. My heart was renewed, my flesh was broken, and my spirit felt whole again. I could feel God's presence overwhelming me.

Four separate confirmations that God is not through with me. I'm so thankful He is patient. After service I found a couple letters in a side pocket of my purse. One was written in July 2007.

"As I begin to feel God's calling strong and stronger on my life, I know God has something great for my life. But I can't do what He wants me to do. As I look over my life, and do a little inventory, I realize it's because I'm holding on to something. There's this part of my life that I keep from God, because I want total control of it. My relationships. I feel like I have to make a decision. My flesh tells me not to, but my heart has such yearning for God, I cannot pacify the feeling any longer."

Even though that was four years ago, I realize that STILL holds true in my life. Looking back, I've surrendered some relationships, only to pick up others. They say you should surround yourself with people who have common goals. On a spiritual level, I have not done that. Most days I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand, constantly being pulled down. Letting go of my relationships scares me. What if I'm all alone? However I've made a decision. I'm eliminating the issue. I'm limiting exposure to these relationships. I've identified the cause and now I've started a progressive work to become stronger.

I also found another letter. It was written in August 2008. It's basically a letter of personal spiritual goals, and also things I would like to see in the youth group.

"I want to see us united as a youth group. Not necessarily on the same spiritual page, but with common goals. I don't want us to be 'stirred but not changed'.  We have become spiritual whores (referencing a previous message). We come to church and pray through, but only to relieve our conscience. Then, we go back out and make no changes to our daily lives. Our struggles remian the same, and we make no attempt to change our lifestyle. How long before God gets fed up with the emotional roller coaster? I want the youth group to know that it's okay to be separate, not just in person, but also in the person you portray yourself as. I hope, as a group, we can open our arms to the youth around us every day, and accept them...as well as each other. I was us to be a youth group that wins souls and will stand for waht we KNOW is right. When we come to church, I want us to worship God and create an atmosphere where those who can't worship God, feel His presence to receive the touch they need."

It makes me "proud" to know that as a youth group a lot of these goals have been met. They do an excellent job of creating an atmosphere of praise and worship. Keep it up!! :)

"I want to be more confident in who I am spiritually. I want to be able to discern God's voice... when He wants me to do something, I want to be comfortable enough to follow through, without fear. I want to be able to let go of my past. I feel as though I'm fighting a battle...and most times I feel like it's right between my ears. I also want to be more compassionate to those around me who are hurting. I want to reach out to my peers, to lead by example. However, not just my peers in the youth group. God can only fill as many vessels that are empty, and I want there to be plenty of empty vessels."

Ironically, this poem is a completely accurate description of everthing going through my head, and everything I feel/fear. Pastor preached on Sunday about a Balm in Gilhead. What I got out of the message was preventative measures. Staying prayed up, continuing in fasting will prevent a lot of problems, and also help me grow and move on.

Dear God,
Why do I keep fight you off?
One part of me wants you desparately,
Another part of me unknowingly
Pushes you back and runs away.

What is there in me that
So contradicts my desire for you?
These transition days, these passage ways
are calling me to let go of old securities,
To give mmyself over into Your hands.

Like Jesus who struggled with the pain
I too, fight the "let it all be done."
Loneliness, lostness, non-belonging,
All these hurts strike out at me
Leaving me pained with this present goodbye.

I want to be more, but I fight the growing.
I want to be new, but I hang on to the old.
I want to live, but I won't face the dying.
I want to be whole, but cannot bear
to gather the pieces into one.

Is it that I refuse to be out of control,
To the the tears take their humblling journey,
to allow my spirit to feel it's depression,
to stay with the insecurity of "no home"?

Now is the time. You call to me,
Begging me to let You have my life,
Inviting me to taste the darkness,
So I can be filled with the light,
Allowing me to lose my direction
So that I will find my way home to You.

No comments:

Post a Comment